Games of Yore #6: The Oregon Trail

Nothing brings up controversy like an argument revolving around the greatest game of all time. Some claim that Super Mario 3 is the greatest game of all time. Those same people eat rocks and enjoy the smell of their own farts. I say this, The Oregon Trail IS the greatest game of all time.

I am sure you all remember going to the computer lab in school to experience the pure ecstasy of playing this “educational” game. As your teacher walked around the lab acting like he/she gave a rat’s ass about your game progress, you experienced the game of games.

This game is produced by MECC, some computer education company that produced such other gaming masterpieces like Odell Lake and The Yukon Trail.

You start off the game by selecting among three characters, Duane “The Rock” Johnson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and of course, Chuck Norris. Each character has his own “bonus” Schwarzenegger has the power of politician, which means he can bullcrap his way out of any obstacle, but he also is able to rip up trees from their roots. This is good for camping.

Johnson is not as strong as Schwarzenegger, but is more agile which allows him to jump from cliff to cliff easier than the older Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He has the power of invincibility and roundhouse kick. He has an extra bonus the “power of laughter.” When enemy characters see Norris, they fall to their knees in laughter.

There is actually a hidden character in the game, Chris Farley. However, Farley is fat and slow and eventually dies in the middle of the game from massive diarrhea. This is automatic and I have not been able to find out how to counteract the effects of Farley eating raw meat. Farley does come with the most money.

Once you select your main character, you have to name the other members of the party. Most of us gave profane names to our party members hoping that our school teacher wouldn’t see our screen.

Before you head off, you have to purchase supplies for your mission to Oregon. You have to purchase food, designer clothing, spare parts (i.e. Oak wheel parts, toilet paper, and Pepto), weapons (i.e. machine guns and ninja stars), and oxen.

I figured out a code where you can add a horse instead of oxen. The code will unlock Sarah “Horseface” Jessica Parker as your trusty steed. You can use Parker as a way to track down deer and buffalo more efficiently during your journey.

Once you buy you supplies, you make your way through The Oregon Trail.
This is where the game shows its true colors. The graphics are phenomenal, if not the best. The water effects are some of the best to date! As you travel on your journey, your main character will have to make key decisions.

Hunting is the greatest part of the game. The hand to hoof combat in the game is perfect. I never had as much joy in a game like I did when Norris roundhouse kicked a buffalo in the face. This game is so intense that you can actually kick a buffalo horn off the buffalo and use it as a weapon to stab the very buffalo it belonged to.

Unfortunately, you will come across Indians in the game. Indians employ explosive tipped arrows to thwart your band of merry men. If you were smart enough, you purchased bullet/explosive proof cloth for your Conestoga wagon. This will alleviate some of the harsher effects from Indian raiding parties.

Your main character will have a variety of weapons at his disposal. Although you start off the game with a wad of paper and a straw, as your character levels up and visits forts in the game, you will be able to purchase weapons like an AK-47.

The Oregon Trail is not without its obstacles. You will have to make key decisions in game. Should you ford across the river in your wagon or should you use a rocket propelled grenade launcher to take down some trees to make a bridge to cross the river?

Disease runs rampant in this game. As your main character, you will have to avoid the effects of small pox, malaria, and dysentery (the craps!).

The platforming elements of the game can be tedious, but really exploit the power and range of the game. It puts Mario to shame.

The subquests in the game are some of the most awe inspiring since Oblivion. You will have the option to go on the quest for the Holy Grail or track down the Fountain of Youth. As you explore dungeons, you will find different clues that will eventually lead you to these relics which will add up to extra points at the end of the game!

Eventually, after traveling down the trail for a long time, you will have to whitewater raft down the Nile River. This part of the game presents its own set of problems. You will have to deal with crocodiles, terrorists, and man-sized scorpions. Again, depending on how far you were able to level up your main character, this can be an easy task or a daunting task.

I cannot downplay the role the graphics play in this part of the game. The Nile River comes alive as never before. It actually looked like a Discovery HD presentation.

At the end of the game, you will have to battle Godzilla to save all humanity. Rosie O’Donnell does a fantastic job of portraying Godzilla in the game. I was actually surprised to see that MECC was able to get Rosie to participate in the game.

The music in the game is phenomenal. This music is provided by award winning video game music composer Yayuseme Suckamebalzto, whom produced such hits as Bubble Bobble and Operation Wolf.

All in all, this game is a 10 out of 10.