Games of Yore - Tag Team Wrestling (NES)

As a young dork, I loved the WWF. I have to admit I was a Hulkamaniac. I had all of the oversized non-movable wrestling figures that really didn’t serve a purpose with the exception of harassing my pet dog. However, my dog’s paw of fury would inevitably take down Hillbilly Jim and end the fight with the jaws of doom.

Well, my father sure as hell knew I was a wrestling fan. He took me and my kid sister to the (then) Baltimore Arena to watch Hulk Hogan live! My father almost pissed himself because he didn’t want to leave me and my kid sister alone. It was kind of funny because some of the wrestlers wouldn’t show up because they got piss drunk the night before.

One Christmas I received two wrestling games from my NES, Pro Wrestling and this steaming pile of turd, Tag Team Wrestling. Seriously, this game deserves its personal spot in video game hell.

There isn’t a single redeeming quality about Tag Team Wrestling. You start off as The Ricky Fighters, a team of brothers played by 80’s icon Ralph Macchio and his disfigured kid brother (who wears a mask in this game) Matt Damon.

Your first opponents are the Strong Bads, two guys who work at McDonald’s during the day and dress up in fetish costumes and wrestle at night. After you demolish the Strong Bads, your next challengers are…the Strong Bads. No, I am not kidding, you had to wrestle the Strong Bads over…and over…and over….and over. The programmers gave kids like myself a huge middle finger by putting four generic, crappy wrestlers into this steaming pile of turd.

Ok, so there are only two teams in the game…they must have put all of their effort into the graphics.

The graphics were downright horrible, even for the NES. I believe the programmers must have been 8 years old and 7 years old respectively. There were so many “WTF” moments when it came to graphics.
(1)When you whip your opponent into the ropes, you run to opposite ropes, both with your hands up in the air and your oversized stomachs exposed only to come together with one big bologna belly slap.
(2)When you get thrown to the outside you literally float to the floor
(3)The bodyslam looked like some weird kama sutra position
(4) So did the chokehold

Ok, so bad graphics and two teams, the gameplay must be the saving grace!

The gameplay was even more pathetic. When you hit your opponent to perform a move, you had to move your gamepad left or right to select the move you wanted to do from a list. Talk about game slowdown. It eventually was bodyslam, bodyslam, and of course, bodyslam.

The worst part of this game? The Ricky Fighters doing the “I hope I don’t piss myself” dance on the ring apron.

Don’t play this game…ever.

Games of Yore #6: The Oregon Trail

Nothing brings up controversy like an argument revolving around the greatest game of all time. Some claim that Super Mario 3 is the greatest game of all time. Those same people eat rocks and enjoy the smell of their own farts. I say this, The Oregon Trail IS the greatest game of all time.

I am sure you all remember going to the computer lab in school to experience the pure ecstasy of playing this “educational” game. As your teacher walked around the lab acting like he/she gave a rat’s ass about your game progress, you experienced the game of games.

This game is produced by MECC, some computer education company that produced such other gaming masterpieces like Odell Lake and The Yukon Trail.

You start off the game by selecting among three characters, Duane “The Rock” Johnson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and of course, Chuck Norris. Each character has his own “bonus” Schwarzenegger has the power of politician, which means he can bullcrap his way out of any obstacle, but he also is able to rip up trees from their roots. This is good for camping.

Johnson is not as strong as Schwarzenegger, but is more agile which allows him to jump from cliff to cliff easier than the older Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He has the power of invincibility and roundhouse kick. He has an extra bonus the “power of laughter.” When enemy characters see Norris, they fall to their knees in laughter.

There is actually a hidden character in the game, Chris Farley. However, Farley is fat and slow and eventually dies in the middle of the game from massive diarrhea. This is automatic and I have not been able to find out how to counteract the effects of Farley eating raw meat. Farley does come with the most money.

Once you select your main character, you have to name the other members of the party. Most of us gave profane names to our party members hoping that our school teacher wouldn’t see our screen.

Before you head off, you have to purchase supplies for your mission to Oregon. You have to purchase food, designer clothing, spare parts (i.e. Oak wheel parts, toilet paper, and Pepto), weapons (i.e. machine guns and ninja stars), and oxen.

I figured out a code where you can add a horse instead of oxen. The code will unlock Sarah “Horseface” Jessica Parker as your trusty steed. You can use Parker as a way to track down deer and buffalo more efficiently during your journey.

Once you buy you supplies, you make your way through The Oregon Trail.
This is where the game shows its true colors. The graphics are phenomenal, if not the best. The water effects are some of the best to date! As you travel on your journey, your main character will have to make key decisions.

Hunting is the greatest part of the game. The hand to hoof combat in the game is perfect. I never had as much joy in a game like I did when Norris roundhouse kicked a buffalo in the face. This game is so intense that you can actually kick a buffalo horn off the buffalo and use it as a weapon to stab the very buffalo it belonged to.

Unfortunately, you will come across Indians in the game. Indians employ explosive tipped arrows to thwart your band of merry men. If you were smart enough, you purchased bullet/explosive proof cloth for your Conestoga wagon. This will alleviate some of the harsher effects from Indian raiding parties.

Your main character will have a variety of weapons at his disposal. Although you start off the game with a wad of paper and a straw, as your character levels up and visits forts in the game, you will be able to purchase weapons like an AK-47.

The Oregon Trail is not without its obstacles. You will have to make key decisions in game. Should you ford across the river in your wagon or should you use a rocket propelled grenade launcher to take down some trees to make a bridge to cross the river?

Disease runs rampant in this game. As your main character, you will have to avoid the effects of small pox, malaria, and dysentery (the craps!).

The platforming elements of the game can be tedious, but really exploit the power and range of the game. It puts Mario to shame.

The subquests in the game are some of the most awe inspiring since Oblivion. You will have the option to go on the quest for the Holy Grail or track down the Fountain of Youth. As you explore dungeons, you will find different clues that will eventually lead you to these relics which will add up to extra points at the end of the game!

Eventually, after traveling down the trail for a long time, you will have to whitewater raft down the Nile River. This part of the game presents its own set of problems. You will have to deal with crocodiles, terrorists, and man-sized scorpions. Again, depending on how far you were able to level up your main character, this can be an easy task or a daunting task.

I cannot downplay the role the graphics play in this part of the game. The Nile River comes alive as never before. It actually looked like a Discovery HD presentation.

At the end of the game, you will have to battle Godzilla to save all humanity. Rosie O’Donnell does a fantastic job of portraying Godzilla in the game. I was actually surprised to see that MECC was able to get Rosie to participate in the game.

The music in the game is phenomenal. This music is provided by award winning video game music composer Yayuseme Suckamebalzto, whom produced such hits as Bubble Bobble and Operation Wolf.

All in all, this game is a 10 out of 10.

BREAKING NEWS: Monday a VERY special Games of Yore Review

Games of Yore #5: F-Zero

First, this is a damned good racing game. I know most of our reviews so far have been blasting games or poking fun at other games. It is kind of a breath of fresh air to review F-Zero. As I said, this is a damned good game.

The only bit of humor I can add to this review is that I am watching two crackheads on G4’s version of Cops.

F-Zero was the very first game I played on my Super Nintendo the Christmas of 90something. It was also the very first game I downloaded on the Virtual Console. I remember staying up until 5 in the morning feeling the joy of electronic sex. F-Zero was the bomb. I spent an entire Christmas break playing it. The funny thing is, the game still rocks.

In case you are not familiar with F-Zero, it was one of the more popular Super Nintendo launch titles. While some sorry saps got Pilotwings and SimCity for Christmas, I was lucky enough to land this gem of a game.

The game features four racers.
1. Captain Falcon who pilots the Blue Falcon is the “poster child” of the F-Zero franchise had loves to wear blue spandex.

2. Dr. Stewart pilots the Golden Fox. The “good doctor” as the manual describes him, was often the glutton of punishment as I often watched his car explode in the races due to its low durability.

3. Yoda pilots the Wild Goose, an atrocity of car that is slow as hell but can take a lot of damage. To be quite honest, this car was the most boring to pilot.

4. Pizza the Hut pilots the Fire Stringray which to me was the best car in the game. It had the slowest acceleration but the best speed and greatest turning ability. Even with a fat guy piloting the vehicle, this car could move.

This game uses “mode 7” graphics which apparently was a breakthrough back in the day. For whatever it was worth, it looked good.

There were three different circuits with five tracks each. Each track was unique and had a bit of charm.

Buy this game if you haven’t. It is nothing short of fun. Sorry I have nothing pithy to say, but I just wanted to post a positive Games of Yore review.

Sorry about the lack of humor, wait till you see the review I have lined up for next week.

Games of Yore #4 - Street Fighter II

I wanted to save this special game for a special holiday.

Street Fighter II is the granddaddy of all fighting games. If you grew up in the eighties and started to come of age in the early nineties, you know what I am talking about. Street Fighter II is the quintessential fighting game and sets the stage for such superb fighting games like Justice Stage Task Force, Pit Fighter, The Simpsons Wrestling, Ballz, and Shaq-Fu.

To be quite honest, if you are not familiar with this game you are probably not going to read this blog and will not purchase our fabulous merchandise.

The premise of this game is simple. You are one of eight fighters participating in a worldwide tournament to win the biggest prize of them all, the Holy Grail. In other words, you gain the ability to verbally tea bag you friends about how fantastic of a button masher you are and how feeble of a person they are. FANTASTIC!

The mechanics of the game are relatively simple. There are six buttons you press, three for punch and three for kick. There are also special moves specific to each character which requires some sort of keypad directional movement and one of the aforementioned buttons. But all of this does not matter. Just use your medium kick over and over again, and you should be able to put a whoopin’ on anybody while enjoying the curse words you hear from your friend who spent hours and hours mastering his favorite character. God, those were the good old days.

Speaking of characters, I mentioned there were eight you could choose from.

Ryu – The ninja type dude who everybody used in the arcades. He had the Shoryuken move which has become iconic in gaming culture.

Ken – Ryu’s lover

E.Honda – He was the sumo wrestler of the bunch who defied gravity with his vicious 500 pound flying headbutt. He enjoyed fighting in his Japanese bathhouse. Kind of makes you wonder if he had something to do with the Ryu/Ken split.

Zangief – E.Honda’s lover.

Dhalsim – Nobody I know ever used this guy. He could spit fire from his mouth and convert people to Hindu.

Blanka – This poor bastard was suffering from hemmoroids during the entire tournament which explained his green skin and orange hair. Unfortunately, he was from Brazil where they didn’t develop Preparation H until 1995. He was also the character that my good friend “specialized” in. It was fun to see that controller fly across the room while listening to accusations of being a “cheap bastard” and that my technique sucked.

Chun-Li – To avoid lawsuits from the ACLU and the League of Feminist Women, Chun-Li is the female character of the game. She was also the first sexual experience for some young men.

Guile – The army dude. He was my favorite because his special moves were the easiest to use. Plus, I could always beat Blanka with him which allowed me to witness my good friend suffer a nervous breakdown which would eventually lead to him suffering from the hemorrhoids he deals with today.

Peace.

Games of Yore #3: Golden Axe - Raiders of Death Adder

Following up on my review of Populus two weeks ago, is another Genesis classic.. Nothing encompasses a button mashing good time like one of my personal Genesis favorites, Golden Axe. The drum sounds and cheap music still haunt my gaming dreams.

Starring Miles O’Keefe of Cave Dwellers fame, Brigitte Nielson of Red Sonja and Danny DeVito as Gilius Dunderhead, Golden Axe takes you on a journey of epic proportions. You select one of the three characters and make your way across the fantasy land of Yuria.

Death Adder is the villain and has captured the king and princess. Much like a mafia godfather, Adder and his merry band of thugs killed O’Keefe’s mother, Nielson’s family, and DeVito’s twin brother, Schwarzenegger. This explains why these B-movie actors are pissed and are ready to whip out their battle axes, swords, and environmentally unsafe magic.

Your journey would feature sleep times where a little bastard gnome would invade your camp. Luckily, you woke up and opened up a can of whoop ass on him allowing him to drop health potions and magic potions.

As you continued towards Death Adder’s castle, you came across the typical band of enemies, skeletons, guys with clubs, knights, more guys with clubs, amazons, some guys with maces, and sometimes even beast riders.

There were two beasts that you could ride: (1) Chicken Leg, and (2) Dragon. Don’t ask about Chicken Leg.

Anyway, it is your typical button masher. One button for jump, one button for magic, and one button for attack. The graphics were great for the time. Not sure what else to say here kids.

You can check it out on XBOX Live or Wii Virtual Console. I would recommend it for a night of laughs and cheap booze.

Games of Yore #2: Populous.

When I was a wee lad, I had visions of grandeur, including ruling over a kingdom of minions that would do all of my bidding. My curfew, lack of a vehicle, and my age prevented me from fulfilling my ultimate destiny. Thankfully, my parents bought me a game in hopes I would learn to be a world leader one day.

The truth is, my parents bought me the game because I liked strategy games. I wanted to be a professional baseball player when I was growing up.

Populous is the name of game developed by famed video game guy Peter Molyneux who I am sure won some meaningless video game awards with Sid Meier!

Populous is a game of strategy which teaches the gamer how to toy with followers’ emotions. You start of as a deity who controls a small population of peons who worship you for no apparent reason. They have no houses, no food, and are beyond incompetent. You, as god of the peons, shoulder the burden of flattening out the land, pushing random in-game buttons that would trigger powers, and hoping the other guy doesn’t send a knight over to your town that will ruin your perfect little civilization.

The game was addicting for me. As you flatten out land, your followers will build more hovels and reproduce like rabbits. As your followers reproduce, you gain more power, which allows you to flatten out more land, which allows your followers to reproduce, which allows you to gain more power, which allows you to flatten out more land. Insert your politically incorrect joke here.

The drumbeat sounds suck.

There were times when this game was really frustrating. I remember watching my flat land and little peons in all of their glory, only to have the other god take a gigantic piss all over my civilization by instituting a flood. My little followers would wade helplessly as I sat and watched.

The absolute best part of this game was “knighting” people. After the knighting ceremonies, Sir Lancelot, Sir Gaiwan, and Sir Elton John would then be sent over to abuse the other god’s followers. Yes, they would burn and pillage while you would sit back, laugh, and flatten more land.

I have many fond memories of this game. I give it a 7 out of 10.