Game Review: Mass Effect

DISCLAIMER: I should have put this up on all my game reviews. I am not a journalist. I have not desire to be a journalist. These are just regular reviews from a 30 year old gamer from the golden age of gaming.

I was re-reading the blog and realized we have a lot more entries criticizing games than we do praising games. Well, I wanted to alleviate all of five of our readers’ concerns that we might be some secret government conspiracy that hates games by posting a review that greatly praises a game. Therefore, I will give my review of a game I consider great, Mass Effect.

I consider this game great for one reason; I did not want to put the controller down when I played it. I forcefully had to tell myself to stop playing.

The game is set in the future. How far? Around 150 years. You play the role of Sheppard, a certified badass. I am not sure how else you could put it, but Sheppard kicks ass, even more so if you choose the “jerk” route.

Character customization is limited, yet fits nicely in the story. You select if you are a male or a female. You have a choice between six classes, Soldier, Engineer, Adept, Infiltrator, Sentinel, and Vanguard. It is pretty much your basic Fighter (Solider), Wizard (Adept), and Tech/Rogue (Engineer). Plus, there are three classes that are a mixture of the two main classes.

Each class has its own skill-set. For example, I chose Vanguard. I was able to use pistols and shotguns as well as use some of the Adept abilities, like “fling the poor bastard in the air and watch him fly away while you shoot it with your pistol.” Good times!

A nice addition was the background of your character. You can choose between spacer, colonist, or earthborn as your place of origin. Each has its own background. In addition, you get to select a distinguishing background occurrence, sole survivor, ruthless soldier, or war hero. Again, this affects the story and gives it replay value.

The story is awesome, and very complex. I was surprised how the story appeals to the older game generation. It deals with subjects such as racism, imperialism, and good vs. evil, with all of the gray areas in-between.

The voice-acting is phenomenal, very nicely done. BIOWARE is known for this. Who am I kidding? BIOWARE is fantastic game developer. Of course, I am an RPG dork so I am expected to say this.
The dialogue in the game uses a “tree” formula which branches off into different dialogue options. Depending on your actions, it will also place you on the road to “Paragon” (good guy) or “Renegade” (sarcastic guy). However, you will find out that you can never be pure good or evil because some of the “Renegade” options are just too damned fun.

Good god, this sounds like an actual game review.

There is sex in the game!

The graphics are great.

Combat takes a little getting used to. If you are a COD4 fan or Halo3, you will want to play it as a first person shooter. Do yourself a favor and remember this is a role playing game. Something is to be said for strategy. With that said, the only frustrating thing in the game is the different menus during battles. You will become accustomed to it, but it does take time.

The development of the supporting cast is fantastic as well. BIOWARE put a lot of care into characters like Garrus, my main man Wrex, and Ashley Williams. I let Kaidan die because he needs to grow a set.

I could write more, but just take my word for it…buy this game. 5 out of 5 or 10 out of 10 or whatever. One of my favorite games of all time. I am looking forward to the next two.

Game Review: Super Smash Brothers Brawl (SSBB)

I am a Smash Brothers virgin. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know who the hell the Smash Brothers are. They sound like a local asphalt or demolition company. If I had my choice between fighting the Smash Brothers or the Mario Brothers, I would choose the Mario Brothers. Why? Because, I know what kind of has been I am getting with Mario and Luigi and have no idea what I would expect from the Smash Brothers.

There are 35 different playable characters in this game with such Nintendo staples as Marth (who?), Ness (who?), and of course, Mr. Game & Watch (what?). I would rather have seen the Smash Brothers make an appearance in this game.

This game also allows you to choose between several different control schemes. You can use the Wiimote, the Wiimote plus Nunchuck, the GameCube pad, the Classic Controller, a pad and pencil, an old Laser Tag unit, the Hubble Telescope, and of course, the WiiToilet (which is really quite innovative).

The game controls are extremely easy to use; One button to jump, one button to smash, one button for special smash, and one button for shield.

I look at this game as two games in one. You have the Subspace Emissary and the actual Brawl game.
The Subspace Emissary is a side-scrolling, button-mashing snorefest which left much to be desired. There is a story behind the Subspace Emissary which is told through several cut screens. I didn’t understand the damn story because there was no dialogue and I was too busy icing my swollen thumbs.

The parts with Diddy Kong were funny.

The other part of the game is what I really like, the Brawl. This resembles a StreetFighter II cluster(f dash dash dash)word. Four players are flying around the board, trying to knock each other off the edge. Each time you get hit, your percentage goes off. Each time your percentage goes off, the farther you fly when get hit.

The Brawl part of the game makes a fantastic party game. I get shear joy in my eyes when I knock Justin or Jamar off the boards knowing that I have 0% skill when playing this game. This is one of the few fighting games where you can compete with “good” players with little to no skill.

I really loved the innovative “boards” or what you would call the fighting stages. I thought they were extremely well thought out and colorful. The fact that there a stage that reflects the game origin of each character was a nice touch.

The music is terrific in this game because some famous video game composers wrote the score for SSBB. I don’t know who these famous composers are, but I am sure they make an awful lot of money.

There is also a “Vault.” In the Vault, you can view the trophies and stickers you collect from doing fancy things in the game. You can take your stickers and trophies on virtual backgrounds, take a snapshot of their virtual horde, and send the picture to their friends on Nintendo Wi-Fi….whoop de f’n do.

There are other minor options in this game which aren’t worth reviewing.

I give this game 4 out of 5 stars.

The Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass Review.

Let me start by saying this game is incredible. It is a wonderful thing to have a great Zelda game in your pocket. This game looks almost as good as the gamecube game on which it's based.

A lot of people pissed and moaned about a cartoony Link when the Wind Waker came out. Yeah it was a little weird, but it still felt right.

(Nobody likes you)

Phantom Hourglass is no exception. All the great things one would expect from a great Zelda game are here...only smaller. There are a few new concepts that helps makes this game more unique, such as the new hookshot. Now it can be used as a tight rope, or used like a rubberband to fling Link onto another platform.

One of the more simple and fun things in the game is customizing your ship. There a bunch of different parts available, such as hulls, wheels, stacks, anchors, etc. I found myself spending a lot of time finding all of these. The game itself is not very long, but it is solid. Nintendo does a great job of making sure one can stop and save at anytime (very good to have when on the road with your DS).

There are a lot of wothless games out there for the DS, but Nintendo always makes sure to represent. This game is as good as it gets on the little duel screen.

Games of Yore #3: Golden Axe - Raiders of Death Adder

Following up on my review of Populus two weeks ago, is another Genesis classic.. Nothing encompasses a button mashing good time like one of my personal Genesis favorites, Golden Axe. The drum sounds and cheap music still haunt my gaming dreams.

Starring Miles O’Keefe of Cave Dwellers fame, Brigitte Nielson of Red Sonja and Danny DeVito as Gilius Dunderhead, Golden Axe takes you on a journey of epic proportions. You select one of the three characters and make your way across the fantasy land of Yuria.

Death Adder is the villain and has captured the king and princess. Much like a mafia godfather, Adder and his merry band of thugs killed O’Keefe’s mother, Nielson’s family, and DeVito’s twin brother, Schwarzenegger. This explains why these B-movie actors are pissed and are ready to whip out their battle axes, swords, and environmentally unsafe magic.

Your journey would feature sleep times where a little bastard gnome would invade your camp. Luckily, you woke up and opened up a can of whoop ass on him allowing him to drop health potions and magic potions.

As you continued towards Death Adder’s castle, you came across the typical band of enemies, skeletons, guys with clubs, knights, more guys with clubs, amazons, some guys with maces, and sometimes even beast riders.

There were two beasts that you could ride: (1) Chicken Leg, and (2) Dragon. Don’t ask about Chicken Leg.

Anyway, it is your typical button masher. One button for jump, one button for magic, and one button for attack. The graphics were great for the time. Not sure what else to say here kids.

You can check it out on XBOX Live or Wii Virtual Console. I would recommend it for a night of laughs and cheap booze.

Army of Two

I love co-op shooters. Having a friend to play through a game with you is always a blast....unless that person sucks terribly, then it turns into one long baby sitting ordeal. Putting that aside, I was really looking forward to playing Army of Two.


My first impression of the game was that it looked good, had some interesting concepts (co-op snipe, switching weapons with your partner), but it felt very familiar. Oh, now I remember this is a Gears of War clone. They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but both of these games cost the same. There really should be a mediocre discount on some of these games. There's a reason BMW's cost more than Kia's.


Army of Two is an awkward feeling game. It uses the same 3rd person- cover system that Gears of War made popular....just not nearly as good. The servers work well, I've never been booted or had trouble connecting. I'm just not always motivated to connect.

The story line is familiar and uninteresting. It's full of f-bombs and the such in an attempt to add some flavor, or prove that it's cool, but nobody likes that guy.

(Dude, seriously, stop shooting prostitutes)

One thing I did think that they did well was the system used for healing your team mate. It was so easy to get someone back in the fight in Gears of War, just hit a button and you're good. It made things a little easy at times. In Army of Two, it takes a few seconds to get you buddy back up, and if you get hit...you have to start the process over. Fortunately, your wounded pal can continue to cap people while on his ass.

The weapon upgrades add a little bit of interest to the experience, but there are only a handful of weapons available, and they get old very quickly. I thought that the aiming system was very sluggish as well, and leading a target never felt quite right. Overall I still had fun going through this game once, then I completely lost interest and was very happy it cost me $0 dollars (thanks pops). Paying for this game = regret, like moving in with that hot girl who turns out to be crazy and makes out with her cat.....I'd give this game a 5 out of 10.

Another 1st impression of GTA IV.

I remember when I first played GTA III. I ran around and just explored everything....it was such a new experience. I was blown away by the size of it (Insert joke here). Whenever you play a game like GTA, one always wonders how much better the sequel is going to be. GTA has made a lot of advances over the years....mostly little things, outfits, mini games, riding a bicycle like a true gangster etc.

I'm very impressed so far by GTA IV. I think they have made some interesting advances (like playing a game, and watching T.V. in that game) but it still feels fundamentaly the same as the game I played on the PS2 back in the day....just bling-e-er.

That's not a problem exactley, if it's not broken don't fix it right? Well, we'll see how this game develops as I dive deeper into it. I don't believe we as a gaming community should just jump on the bandwagon and praise this or any other game becasue it cost one hundred million dollars to make, or beacuse X-play says so.

I've got my eye on you GTA IV....and you'd had better deliver.

Grand Theft Auto IV: First Impressions

Just like the rest of you knuckleheads, Team LXG has been hard at work playing the smash hit “Grand Theft Auto IV.” Well, with the exception of Paul who is still stuck in November playing Mass Effect.

If you have perused the other grand websites of gaming, you will have noticed that GTA IV has been receiving 10 out of 10 or 5 out of 5. What do I think? Here it goes….

Is this game good? Yes, it is a solid game. I have put in about four hours with the game. Therefore, if you email me with hate mail and tell

You start out as Niko Somebody, an immigrant from some Eastern Bloc country. Having survived off of a steady diet of bread and water for the past thirty odd years, Niko is ready for the Kentucky fried taste of New York City, I mean Liberty City.

The story thus far is the best part of the game. It is not nearly as bland as the last three installments of the Grand Theft series. I actually give a damn about Niko. He is one cool dude with his Cro-Magnon style look. The characters actually have character. From the potbelly cousin Roman, to Vlad Drakov, this game actually incorporates character. I like that part.

The graphics are updated. Fantastic. I am not a graphics-whore, so this really plays little in what I think.

I am sure you all have had the time to read the positive reviews. I am going to cut the crap and talk about why this game falls short of a 10 (at least in my mind).

Frustrating: It took me 30 minutes to find a freakin’ brick to throw at a window. I work for a living. I don’t have time to spend 30 minutes to look for a freakin’ brick. It would have been helpful if Rockstar could have put some type of glowing icon on what you can and cannot pick up. Don’t get me started on chasing people with the next car physics.

Same ol’, same ol’: I loved Grand Theft Auto III and Vice City. I played San Andreas for 4 hours before I traded it in. I had played the game twice before. Go to a cutscene, get a mission, go to mission (which will inevitably require you killing somebody), complete mission (sometimes after 30 minutes looking for a freaking brick), go to next cutscene, continue) GTA IV follows the same pattern. I just got bored with it, and I see myself growing wary already.

Dark: This game is freakin’ dark. I had to jack up the brightness just to see anything at night.

Unrealistic: Yeah, you all know what I am talking about. Niko has already slept with Michelle four times. The dates? Cluck N’ Bell, Cluck N’ Bell, and pool. How often would a woman give in after two dates to Cluck N. Bell for you?

Car Physics: Bleh
That’s my impression so far. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression that this is an average game, but it is not. This is a solid game. However, unlike Oblivion, Mass Effect, and Baseball Stars, after awhile I felt the desire to put the controller game.

More impressions to come kiddies. Then, and only then, will I give my final verdict.

COD 4...I can't let you go.

Every time I try to move on to another F.P.S.....I realize why I still play you. You are the standard by which all other F.P.S.'s are judged. You're like that Korean girl who.....never mind that analogy. I happily throw money toward your new maps, and enjoy killing people in new places.

I was a big Halo fan before you came my way, and once I had you I realized how much I hated shields and bad melee systems....and 10 year olds who won't shut up and keep saying "can you hear me? Or just make noises like an elephant being shot and having an orgasm at the same time.

You:

Other games like you:

When you get to an age that half assed things are no longer acceptible and your parents are not the ones's paying for your gaming habit, it's good to have something that's going to last.

So I'll continue to run at people with a grenade cooking in my hand, and cussing at snipers who always seem to have too much paitence for this ADD generation. This has been my lovers confession to you COD 4. I'll never leave you.