American Gladiators - The Second Season

Here at LXG headquarters, we like to promote the gaming lifestyle. The gaming lifestyle is more than just playing video games; it is about the type of people who call themselves gamers and what us as gamers like to do outside of video games.

The golden age of gaming (as us old farts who grew up with Nintendo and Sega called it) reminds me of aspects of life outside the video games. One television program that comes to mind is American Gladiators. (Interesting gaming tidbit, Hawk from the original American Gladiators actually appeared on G4’s Arena).

Well, NBC decided to bring back American Gladiators earlier this year with your hosts Hulk Hogan and Tatiana “I am only famous because my dad’s name is Muhammad” Ali. I don’t want to talk about them, because that is just boring. (Even if I was a Hulkamaniac).

What I do want to talk about is the second season of American Gladiators which started tonight, right up against Paradise Hotel 2 during the second hour. Hooray.

After watching the second season premiere, and at times laughing my ass off, I realized that I miss the original American Gladiators and how it correlated with the golden age of gaming.

Tonight’s American Gladiators was nothing short of special, or should I say, full of special contestants.

We were first faced with a 22-year old firefighter named Elena who was from the Ukraine. Elena had the body of a 35-year old and the physical ability of Wilford Brimley. Her prowess in the game of Assault (The game were a gladiator shoots tennis balls at you whilst you run around like a schoolgirl shooting certified nerf weaponry at some target above the gladiator) was abysmal. Like a fat kid reaching for a chocolate cheesecake that sits behind a bakery’s counter, Elena could not master of the weapons.

First, she screwed up the tennis ball slingshot, not once, but twice. Second, she fired the nerf bazooka in the wrong direction. Instead of going forward to the target, it went backward and nailed her pride right in the jaw. Don’t get me started on her eliminator run.

I can’t say enough about some of the Gladiators.

Hellga (notice the spiffy way they spell HeLLga, with two l’s. The writers are just phenomenal) the Norweigan-esque woman who looks like a fat St. Pauli Girl. I am convinced she hides some twinkees in her costume to get her enough of a sugar surge to get through the show tapings.

I sat there in bewilderment as the two contestants made her look the full. Hellga is about as useful to Gladiators as a match is to a

Thumbelina, or should I say, Rocket, the winner of the first season is a new gladiator. Great, he gave up his job as a professional mountain climber (aka unemployed) to prance around in black spandex. Somebody has to tell this guy to get a new entrance. The whole ballerina thing just doesn’t work. If I was a contestant, I would more than nervous about going against his 12 inch pythons, brutha.

Apparently, there were thousands and thousands of people who tried out to be contestants for the second season. After watching the season premier, I am convinced that the people who watched over the tryouts were clearly drunk and realized this was a summer show so nobody would be watching. This gave us the first nine minute eliminator.

I will continue to watch American Gladiators and reminisce about the days of Nitro, Malibu (hehehehe), Lace, and Diamond.

Games of Yore tomorrow fools