Diablo III Announced

Hey kids, just a quick FYI. Blizzard, the drug pushers who brought us World of Warcraft, announced Diablo III. Although I consider myself a console gamer, I do like to play a few PC games. Diablo has always been one of my favorite PC franchises.

Call of Duty: World at War Preview

(what all the Germans are dead, well let's move on the the Japanese)

Looks like WWII isn't over yet. After being spoiled by high powered modern weapons, it's back to Thompson machine guns and the MI Garand (Ping).

This time the focus is on the Pacific theater. It looks like there will be a lot of wild close combat (probably involving katana's and determined Japanese people). I'm picturing a lot of Japanese jumping out of bushes.

From what we've seen so far, this game looks like it's going to be pretty brutal...a lot of screen shots of bayonet/katana impalings. This game could have a real thriller aspect to it.

It's always hard to accept another WWII shooter into a market that is very tired of seeing it, but if anyone can make on that's worth my time...it's these guys.

On another note, it doesn't look like Activision's main team is making this game, so I'm not expecting another Modern Warfare.

One thing we can expect is a good single player and endless multiplayer action. I'm just worried that after playing Modern Warefare, there is no going back to WWII....maybe the melee aspect will add a much needed aspect to a tired genre.

Dark Sector: Xbox 360 Demo Review

Let me start off by saying....what a waste of potential. After reading dozens of articles on how this was the first next-gen game created and how it was being crowned as the next-gen king, I was extremely stoked about playing this game. Too bad.

As Hayden Tenno, a cliched blade wielding hero with a bad haircut and in uber physical shape, you will use various tools of destruction to dismember and disembowel your enemies. His right arm is some sort of bionic slingshot that hurls his glaive (i.e. super bad-ass ninja star) while his left hand holds his pistol. You will occasionally be able to pick up slaughtered enemies' weapons for added firepower however for some stupid reason you can only carry them for a short period of time.... LAME!!

The demo places you in some sort of semi-evacuated USSR type military encampment. You will quickly learn to use either your pistol or your glaive as the first set of hellions attack you almost instantly. You will eradicate them without any trouble. As you progress you realize just how much potential this game had. The character graphics are nice to look at for the most part with sharp edges and defined textures. That much cannot be said about the maps however. The maps appear to be dark, dull, and lifeless. I am not a big fan of games that use mostly dark greens and muted greys to emphasize darkness.

The controls are not very user-friendly either. After playing games like Gears of War you would expect game developers to realize just how important controls are to any action game. Hayden feels very stiff when he moves, there is no sprint button, and the cover system has a been there done that better somewhere else feel.

I couldn't tell you much about the story as the demo doesn't take you that deep. Only that you are an experiment and you must defeat somebody to keep something from happening. Nice.

Anyway, overall this was a let down. I really couldn't offer you much reason to buy this game at full price other than I read something about Hayden being able to upgrade his glaive with powers such as flames and lightening; invisibility, and maybe a decent story-line.

Overall, Dark Sector the Demo earns: 6 rusty glaives out of 10.

Spike's Game Trailers

Greetings! This is the Full Effect's first blog and I'll be reviewing/highlighting Spike TV's June 21 show of Spike's GameTrailers. In total, four games were exclusives for the show. The Lord of the Rings Conquest, Call of Duty: World at War(trailer only), Star Wars: The Clone Wars(trailer only), and UFC 2009 were all segments of the show.

First off, for all you fanboys, get ready to crap yourself. The Lord of the Rings Conquest looks amazing. The game developers at Pandemic really out did themselves. If you are unsure of Pandemic's history, check out Star Wars Battlefront I and II. That being said, the LOTRC does to LOTR what Battlefront did for Star Wars. In the game, players will play battle sequences from the beginning of Tolkien's master trilogy to the end. Even more exciting, if you haven't read or seen the trilogy Frodo and the defenders of Middle Earth destroy the ring, is an alternate ending. Instead of victory for the forces of good, Sauron, aka ultimate badass, gets the ring and the forces of evil work backwards all the way back to the Shire. Finally, for those of you who wished you were able to kick Elijah wood in the teeth, now's your chance. Hugo Weaving, Smith in the Matrix and Elron in the LOTR series, provides narration for both the good and evil campaigns. Just as exciting will be the multiplayer. Just as you could pit the likes of Chewbacca vs. Darth Vader in Battlefront, you can set up the matches not seen in the story or the movie. The only time we got to see Sauron in the movie was in highlights. Now he can become a playable character and players can test his abilities against the all loving Greybush...I mean Gandalf. What really impressed me the most was the multiplayer game where one character is Frodo and the rest are Ring Wraiths. Instead of vehicles you'll be able to control trolls and ents and oliphants, yes I read the stories go ahead and wedgie me, and you will plow through hordes of enemies.

The other highlight of the show was UFC 2009. Yes, it is a little ballsy for potty mouthed Dana to come out with yet another mixed martial art video game. The original UFC came out for the Playstation, the Dreamcast and for the GameBoy color...nuff said. Also owned by UFC owners Zuffa, Pride's mediocre PrideFC came out for the Playstation 2. Dana though assured viewers that those games came out before Zuffa took over UFC and Pride so they take no responsibility for the flops. Zuffa went with THQ, famous for Saints Row and WWE games, to provide the full onslaught of ground and pound. As a fan and a practicer of mma, I am pleased with the way this game looks. Full body scans were used to detail the fighters and the physics of the ring useage look realistic. Gameplay looks a little choppy, but then again, so is ground fighting. Zuffa was smart to use the highlight of their upcoming light heavyweight championship bout of Forest Griffen and Quinten 'Rampage' Jackson as the demo fight for the game. Also making an apperance in the trailer was mma referee Mario Yamaguchi. The game features all your favorite guard passes, sweeps, takedowns and ko's with a fully functinal 360 degree camera view. The realism of the styles of each fighters will also keep fans/gamers entertained. The biggest problem is that it is not expected until sometime next Spring. Are we not entertained? Not for a while.

All in all, the future of gaming looks positive. Look for more reviews soon. To view this episode of GT check out http://www.spike.com/full-episode/lord-of-rings-conquest/27798. Until then...keep gaming!

Top Ten Most Anticipated of E3

The annual E3 Media & Business is right around the corner kiddies. This is the event that all men in their late teens to late forties look forward to every year. With such stars as Jenna Jameson, Cindy Haze, and Brianna Banks in attendance, you know this will resemble chubby kids gone wild in a candy store.

Unfortunately, the powers that be won’t let us in!

Don’t you worry, we have our “agents” that will give us the inside scope on this cornucopia of sex, drugs, and violence. Ok, maybe not the sex…or the drugs...and the violence will probably be limited to the video games.

Now, I have cruised around the internet and found several top 5 to top 20 anticipated games of E3. Well, here is our top picks for the most anticipated games of E3.

10. Spore – The much heralded and anticipated game for the PC and eventually Wii. This has all the potential of being a completely fascinating game or a complete boring bust. The new Spore Creature Creator has produced some very interesting designs which people have been showing off. Whoopee!

9. Soulcaliber IV – Yeah, this game deserves to be on this list because Yoda is going to be in a fighting game. Righteous. Did you see him in Star Wars?

8. Spooge - This game is Spore’s sequel, already in development. I think the title says it all.

7. Lego Aquaman

6. Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe - I really want to put a foot up Aquaman’s ass. What’s your super power? I can swim real fast and talk to fish!

5. Fable 2 – That dude from Lionhead studios talked the talk about the original Fable, which many believe didn’t live up to its potential. Now, Peter Molyneux is talking the same talk about Fable 2. Some of the proposed features include gardening, simulated crapping, and raising your own children…in different towns with different wives perhaps?

4. Resident Evil 5

3. Fallout 3 – From our local boys in Bethesda and from the creators of Oblivion, this will be the dark horse of the holiday releases.

2. Gears of War 2 – I really don’t need to say anything here. Gears of War rocked, I expect nothing less.

1. The Oregon Trail II: Salvation – This time you play the role of Jack Bauer, key secret agent of the United States. You have to guide your party of experts through the Oregon Trail to find the hidden Al-Qaeda base somewhere in Northern California. With state of the art graphics and Keifer Sutherland providing fantastic voice acting, Oregon Trail II will take E3 by storm.

Games of Yore - Tag Team Wrestling (NES)

As a young dork, I loved the WWF. I have to admit I was a Hulkamaniac. I had all of the oversized non-movable wrestling figures that really didn’t serve a purpose with the exception of harassing my pet dog. However, my dog’s paw of fury would inevitably take down Hillbilly Jim and end the fight with the jaws of doom.

Well, my father sure as hell knew I was a wrestling fan. He took me and my kid sister to the (then) Baltimore Arena to watch Hulk Hogan live! My father almost pissed himself because he didn’t want to leave me and my kid sister alone. It was kind of funny because some of the wrestlers wouldn’t show up because they got piss drunk the night before.

One Christmas I received two wrestling games from my NES, Pro Wrestling and this steaming pile of turd, Tag Team Wrestling. Seriously, this game deserves its personal spot in video game hell.

There isn’t a single redeeming quality about Tag Team Wrestling. You start off as The Ricky Fighters, a team of brothers played by 80’s icon Ralph Macchio and his disfigured kid brother (who wears a mask in this game) Matt Damon.

Your first opponents are the Strong Bads, two guys who work at McDonald’s during the day and dress up in fetish costumes and wrestle at night. After you demolish the Strong Bads, your next challengers are…the Strong Bads. No, I am not kidding, you had to wrestle the Strong Bads over…and over…and over….and over. The programmers gave kids like myself a huge middle finger by putting four generic, crappy wrestlers into this steaming pile of turd.

Ok, so there are only two teams in the game…they must have put all of their effort into the graphics.

The graphics were downright horrible, even for the NES. I believe the programmers must have been 8 years old and 7 years old respectively. There were so many “WTF” moments when it came to graphics.
(1)When you whip your opponent into the ropes, you run to opposite ropes, both with your hands up in the air and your oversized stomachs exposed only to come together with one big bologna belly slap.
(2)When you get thrown to the outside you literally float to the floor
(3)The bodyslam looked like some weird kama sutra position
(4) So did the chokehold

Ok, so bad graphics and two teams, the gameplay must be the saving grace!

The gameplay was even more pathetic. When you hit your opponent to perform a move, you had to move your gamepad left or right to select the move you wanted to do from a list. Talk about game slowdown. It eventually was bodyslam, bodyslam, and of course, bodyslam.

The worst part of this game? The Ricky Fighters doing the “I hope I don’t piss myself” dance on the ring apron.

Don’t play this game…ever.

The joys of moving....and finding old NES cartridges.

One of the big factors I've had to deal with this week is moving to a new location. This meant a week of no Internet, no video games, and no TV. Oh how nice it is to be back in the world of technology again.

After a very tiring week, I have all of my fantastic gadgets functioning properly again....so let's review something. While moving I had time to go through my closet and see all of my wonderful NES games. In my opinion, most of these games are better off as fond memories.

(What have you been up to?)

Once in a while I get an urge to pick up the old controller and relive all the fun times I had as a kid, but when I do....it's not quite the same as I remember. I believe once one gets used to the perfection that game developers have created these days there's no going back for me.

I tried going through the original Final Fantasy. It was great to see the original charters and hear the music that I remember so well, but then I realized just how long it took to fight a battle, get around the map, etc, and I understand now that I tolerated these things because that's all we had back then, and it was great at the time....it just doesn't work now. I guess it's kind of like swiping your v-card. It's great then because you don't know how much better it can get.

All in all, a trip down memory lane can be fun.....in short bursts. Then again some gamers pay to download these games and are very happy, for like two minutes.

Apologies...

Hey kids, my apologies for the lack of posting in the past couple o' days. Games of Yore will be out manana.

Also, to add to the mix, yours truly has picked up a copy of Metal Gear Solid 4. So far it is a solid game. I will give my impressions tomorrow.

Again, sorry about the lack of posting. The past couple of days have been focuses on product and less on this blog.

New Retailer: Games and Stuff

Lest us not forget that the main purpose of this blog is to blatantly promote our niche apparel company, Last Action Gamer. Well, the kids of LXG are happy to announce that we have a third retailer selling our fine apparel, Games & Stuff of Glen Burnie, Maryland. Hooray for us!

Shortly after the meeting, Director of Operations, Jamar Williams had this to say, "I think my car was towed."

President of LXG, James Braswell followed by stating, "This is an exciting day for LXG. Every new retailer is a small victory for the gaming community. Games and Stuff runs a first class operation and we are more than happy that they decided to carry our gear. We look forward to plenty of cross-promotion opportunities. In addition, I think it proves that our product is something the gaming community wants."

For more information on Games & Stuff, please check out their website at www.gamesandstuffonline.com.

Metal Gear Solid Review!!!

If you thought the mother of all video games was released in late April, guess again. Metal Gear Solid 4: The Depends Years was released this week to much acclamation, hoopla, and scores of 10. Yes, it is the GTAIV release all over again.

If you listened closely, you could hear the sounds of PS3 owners throwing their copies of GTA IV across the room like a Frisbee to experience the sheer joy of an 8 minute install screen.

I hate to break it to you kids but I have not picked up a copy of the game yet. Last night, I had the choice between leaving in the middle of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom to pick up the game, or staying until the end of the movie then playing The Oregon Trail. Needless to say, I chose the latter.

On a serious note, I have cruised around to various websites where gamers can post their reviews of the game. It has been 10 after 10 after 10. Instant Classic, Masterpiece, and I Left my Boyfriend for Solid Snake were all titles of the reviews I read. You can also click on a gamer’s profile to read other reviews he or she has posted. I will be damned if the same gamers who stated that MGSIV was the greatest game ever said the same exact thing about GTAIV. A 10 for a game should not be easily thrown around.

Unlike GTA (with the exception of Vice City), I have been a big fan of Metal Gear since the NES. And yes, I am still wondering what to do with those damn cigarettes. I intend to pick up this game next week and post a review as soon as I have time. The Oregon Trail has been calling my name.

Civilization Revolutions Demo Review

Another JC Braz Disclaimer: I am writing this review with two orange juice and vodkas in me.

Your’s truly is a real time strategy fan. Warcraft, Rise of Nations, Age of Empires, Starcraft, you name it. There has always been one franchise that has brought me to the brink of throwing my overpriced computer across the room; that game is Civilization. Much like Franciscan Nun’s take a vow of celibacy, I took a vow of celibacy from the Civilization series.

When I turned on my computer the other day, I saw a little cheeky fellow that looked like Napoleon that was urging me to download of a demo for Civilization Revolution. It was either GTAIV or the demo, I choose the demo.

I have to admit, this game is actually fun. JC Braz is a big history buff and enjoys nuances in games that have a historical significance. Revolutions fits that bill with the Civilopedia.

The one thing I hated, I absolutely detested about prior Civilization games, was what seemed like an overcomplicated and convoluted interface. Revolutions finally gets it right. Much like a bartender who takes four or five tries to get that perfect mixture, Sid Meier finally got it right.

Graphically, Revolutions is very colorful which is a nice change from the humdrum graphics of previous Civilization games. Your advisors pop up on the screen when you accomplish tasks like building cities, science, and deal with armies. It is kind of funny to see them push each out of the way when you change from task to task.

The game is essentially about building an empire. Unlike other RTS where you amass a fortune, build a ludicrous speed army, and annihilate the other player, this game can be won in several different ways. You can win with “culture” which for those pacifists out there, would be the preferable way of winning the game. This game does what other RTS games does not, it takes into consideration different playing styles.

The 360 versions is fantastically streamlined and perfectly mapped to the 360 controller. I wasn’t sure about the transition here, but it really works well.

I love the blatant stereotypes of the different leaders. If you don’t know what I mean, just check out the feminine Greeks. I actually visited some forums who were upset about the stereotypes. Seriously people, it’s a freaking game.

I am really looking forward to this game when it is released. I suggest the readers download the demo and give it a try for themselves.

Wow, a serious post by me.

What a joke

Seriously, I don't know who I can't stand MORE, Jared from Subway or Billy Mitchell.

Games of Yore #6: The Oregon Trail

Nothing brings up controversy like an argument revolving around the greatest game of all time. Some claim that Super Mario 3 is the greatest game of all time. Those same people eat rocks and enjoy the smell of their own farts. I say this, The Oregon Trail IS the greatest game of all time.

I am sure you all remember going to the computer lab in school to experience the pure ecstasy of playing this “educational” game. As your teacher walked around the lab acting like he/she gave a rat’s ass about your game progress, you experienced the game of games.

This game is produced by MECC, some computer education company that produced such other gaming masterpieces like Odell Lake and The Yukon Trail.

You start off the game by selecting among three characters, Duane “The Rock” Johnson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and of course, Chuck Norris. Each character has his own “bonus” Schwarzenegger has the power of politician, which means he can bullcrap his way out of any obstacle, but he also is able to rip up trees from their roots. This is good for camping.

Johnson is not as strong as Schwarzenegger, but is more agile which allows him to jump from cliff to cliff easier than the older Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He has the power of invincibility and roundhouse kick. He has an extra bonus the “power of laughter.” When enemy characters see Norris, they fall to their knees in laughter.

There is actually a hidden character in the game, Chris Farley. However, Farley is fat and slow and eventually dies in the middle of the game from massive diarrhea. This is automatic and I have not been able to find out how to counteract the effects of Farley eating raw meat. Farley does come with the most money.

Once you select your main character, you have to name the other members of the party. Most of us gave profane names to our party members hoping that our school teacher wouldn’t see our screen.

Before you head off, you have to purchase supplies for your mission to Oregon. You have to purchase food, designer clothing, spare parts (i.e. Oak wheel parts, toilet paper, and Pepto), weapons (i.e. machine guns and ninja stars), and oxen.

I figured out a code where you can add a horse instead of oxen. The code will unlock Sarah “Horseface” Jessica Parker as your trusty steed. You can use Parker as a way to track down deer and buffalo more efficiently during your journey.

Once you buy you supplies, you make your way through The Oregon Trail.
This is where the game shows its true colors. The graphics are phenomenal, if not the best. The water effects are some of the best to date! As you travel on your journey, your main character will have to make key decisions.

Hunting is the greatest part of the game. The hand to hoof combat in the game is perfect. I never had as much joy in a game like I did when Norris roundhouse kicked a buffalo in the face. This game is so intense that you can actually kick a buffalo horn off the buffalo and use it as a weapon to stab the very buffalo it belonged to.

Unfortunately, you will come across Indians in the game. Indians employ explosive tipped arrows to thwart your band of merry men. If you were smart enough, you purchased bullet/explosive proof cloth for your Conestoga wagon. This will alleviate some of the harsher effects from Indian raiding parties.

Your main character will have a variety of weapons at his disposal. Although you start off the game with a wad of paper and a straw, as your character levels up and visits forts in the game, you will be able to purchase weapons like an AK-47.

The Oregon Trail is not without its obstacles. You will have to make key decisions in game. Should you ford across the river in your wagon or should you use a rocket propelled grenade launcher to take down some trees to make a bridge to cross the river?

Disease runs rampant in this game. As your main character, you will have to avoid the effects of small pox, malaria, and dysentery (the craps!).

The platforming elements of the game can be tedious, but really exploit the power and range of the game. It puts Mario to shame.

The subquests in the game are some of the most awe inspiring since Oblivion. You will have the option to go on the quest for the Holy Grail or track down the Fountain of Youth. As you explore dungeons, you will find different clues that will eventually lead you to these relics which will add up to extra points at the end of the game!

Eventually, after traveling down the trail for a long time, you will have to whitewater raft down the Nile River. This part of the game presents its own set of problems. You will have to deal with crocodiles, terrorists, and man-sized scorpions. Again, depending on how far you were able to level up your main character, this can be an easy task or a daunting task.

I cannot downplay the role the graphics play in this part of the game. The Nile River comes alive as never before. It actually looked like a Discovery HD presentation.

At the end of the game, you will have to battle Godzilla to save all humanity. Rosie O’Donnell does a fantastic job of portraying Godzilla in the game. I was actually surprised to see that MECC was able to get Rosie to participate in the game.

The music in the game is phenomenal. This music is provided by award winning video game music composer Yayuseme Suckamebalzto, whom produced such hits as Bubble Bobble and Operation Wolf.

All in all, this game is a 10 out of 10.

First Images of Street FIghter IV

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune Review

As I sorted through JC Baz's game collection over the weekend I noticed a game that still had the plastic on it. Very rare in any household where gamers reside. I picked it up and noticed that it was Uncharted: Drake's Fortune (UDF). When he saw that I had the game in hand he mention that he had it for 6 moths and hadn't played it once. So, I decided to give it a try. They say that sometimes great efforts go overlooked and a gem may be right under your nose and you never notice it. Such is the case for UDF.
From the moment I popped in the disc I was immediately impressed by the high level of detail, amazing sound quality, beautiful visuals, and fantastic atmosphere. The game is very vivid and the color palette very robust. If you are a fan of Tomb Raider and Indiana Jones you'll love this game.
The character movements are very fluid and the cut scenes and live action transition perfectly. It's the little things in this game that make it memorable. For example, there is a part in the game where your control Drake through a partially submerged vessel. As he navigates through the doors in the hull he actually ducks to avoid hitting his head. Jump into a river and the character emerges completely soaked, with darker shades of clothing to emphasize the wetness. The levels are vast and cavernous and really make you feel like an explorer.
There are plenty of hidden items to obtain which will add to the replay value and the story is actually decent enough to pay attention to. The A.I. is very intelligent and will try to ambush you, flank you, and force you into the open with grenades.
The character models of the lead cast are phenomenal. They boast realistic facial expressions and realistic movement.
My biggest beef with this game is the off and on shooting style and the camera angles at times. When you are in the midst of a heated gun-fight it can be very taxing to lock on to your target. There is no indicator to let you know when you are aiming at an enemy so shooting from a distance can be a chore. Also, enemies have the grace of a ballerina, ducking shots like Neo in the matrix. The enemy design is nice however you will be fighting the same 5-6 enemies over and over again. The camera makes things frustrating when you simply want to jump to ledge and it zooms in so close to your character that you can't see the ledge that you are standing on and fall over and over again to your death. The camera does make things feel cinematic but doesn't always provide the best view for game-play.
At the end of the day UDF rocks! This is a must have for any PS3 owner. Get it now, I'm sure it's probably in the bargain bin by now. Enjoy. Uncharted: Drake's Fortune earns 9 sunken treasures out of 10.

Good games coming soon.

Yes, it's that time of year...the video game draught season.

We are left to survive on the great games that came to us in the prior months, looking forward to the next round of great games. Here is a brief look at some of the big games coming to us soon (and some that are just a little surprising to see).


Metal Gear Solid 4 Guns of the Patriots.

A lot of fans have been waiting for this for a long time. This will be available on 6/12/08. Play as old man snake, and prove that your Viagra is doing its job.





Fallout 3-10/7/08

The boys at Bethesda are at it again with this massive post apocalyptic survival adventure. Do condoms prevent the spread of radiation?





Gears of War- 2 11/3/08

I miss my saw.....I can't wait to get blood splattered on my television screen again.






Street Fighter IV- 2/3/09

This series got many of us through the arcade years. I can still remember the quarters lined up on the machine. How will SF be received in the 21st century? Hopefully better then the mullet.


Deadliest Catch Alaskan Storm -6/17/08.


Really? Please stop making games based on movies and television shows. What's next, Ghost Hunters?

JC Braz Edit: Justin (JTrip) has this on preorder.






Fable 2- 10/1/08

What happens in Fable, stays in Fable. If you screwed a guy in the first game, I don't want to know about it.






This has been a overview of games that are on their way, with brief A-hole commentary. Thank you.

Ninja Gaiden II Review

Who doesn't think ninjas are freaking awesome? Nobody, that's who. Ninja Gaiden II once again pits our favorite ninja, Ryu Hyabusa, against a cast of freakishly designed hellions and fiends (i.e. blade wielding hell dogs..nice). And oh what a blood splattered gore fest of joy it is. Starting off with the re-known, Dragon Sword, you are quickly rewarded with the Lunar Staff (bad-ass) and the Falcon's Talons (ultra bad-ass). Everything about this game screams next-gen. Though the first Ninja Gaiden was a sight to behold NGII is definitely a step-up.
With tons of combos to master and the rewards of relatively easy achievements this game is highly addictive. Severed limbs, decapitated bodies, and pools of blood will litter the battlefield as you progress through the game. There will be so much blood that Ryu actually has to take the time to shake the blood off of his weapons when he's done destroying his enemies. Though you will be using the "Y" and "X" buttons most of time and can pull off most combos by just mashing buttons it never gets old. I actually felt empowered as I released my aggression out on the helpless fiends. I have yet to notice anything vastly different since the last installment which isn't totally a bad thing. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
That doesn't mean this game is without flaws. As usual the camera tends to be a problem. Simple tasks like using the wall-run to reach a ledge proves to be more work than it should be. Bow and Arrow wielding fiends tend to be overly powerful and incredibly accurate. This adds to the challenge but sometimes tends to slow down the flow of the action. There's nothing more frustrating than being mid-combo kicking major ass when all of a sudden your combo is broken by some douche-bag shooting a flaming arrow from what seems like a mile away. So far the boss battles have been pretty lopsided. Meaning, I destroyed them without much of a challenge. I did have the difficulty on the normal level however. I'm sure that if I cranked-up the difficulty this game would be next to impossible to beat.
I don't care much for the story, though I do think the idea of a spider-like clan of demons is a great theme.
All in all, NGII is a solid game but not a masterpiece. It's more of the same intense action with a fresh new face. It offers a good challenge, nice weapons, a fantastic combo system, and a fast pace but also a few minor technical issues. Good job Team Ninja! Ninja Gaiden II earns 8 decapitated fiends out of 10.

Movie Review: Sex and the City - The Movie from Hell

Disclaimer: I did not actually see the movie. I am just ranting about the experiences I endured during the release of the movie.

Seriously, why the hell is Sarah Jessica “Horseface” Parker an actress? Shouldn’t she be getting ready for the Belmont Stakes tomorrow?

I have to be completely honest; I am familiar with this show. I have actually watched several episodes with my former girlfriend, a man hating beast. That is what this show does; it makes women hate men and makes men forget they have a set. It also makes women who don’t live in New York and earn less than six figures feel like they are trapped in a less than perfect life. Kind of like the feeling me and my fellow men get when we watch movies like Gladiator, Indiana Jones, Transformers, Spider-Man, Ghost Rider (Hell yeah, I want to be Johnny Blaze), X-Men, Iron Man, and any movie where the lead actor hooks up with Angelina Jolie.

The cast of the show includes Sarah Jessica Parker, better known as the stunt double for Mr. Ed, Kim “I loved you in Mannequin, which was in the 80’s” Kattrall, Cynthia Nixon, and Kristin Davis. As you see, there is not a single redeeming quality of this cast.

The hysteria that women felt surrounding the release of this movie was ridiculous…ludicrous speed, now! Women all over the United States who (1) had enough money to pay for gas to get to the movie theatre, (2) had enough money after paying for gas to pay for inflated movie tickets, and (3) had enough money after paying for gas and the movie ticket to pay for several high priced and watered down cosmopolitans, went to go see this movie. Some even went so far to get a limo to take them to the freakin’ movie theatre. That’s kind of like a guy renting a chariot to see Gladiator 2.

My fiancé and I went to go see Indiana Jones the day of the opening. After the movie was over, we went to the bar inside the mall. Little did we realize that we would be surrounded by pretentious women dressed in their Sunday’s best to go to see the damned movie. Fiance and I were literally surrounded by a group of eight overly dressed women at the bar. Guess what they were drinking? Cosmofreakinpolitans. I looked around the bar. What was every women drinking? Cosmofreakinpolitans. The bar freaking ran out of Triple Sec!

It is humorous that these women would make a spectacle out of going to see a damned movie. Of course, I guess its not much worse than these guys.

BREAKING NEWS: Monday a VERY special Games of Yore Review

Game Review: Mass Effect

DISCLAIMER: I should have put this up on all my game reviews. I am not a journalist. I have not desire to be a journalist. These are just regular reviews from a 30 year old gamer from the golden age of gaming.

I was re-reading the blog and realized we have a lot more entries criticizing games than we do praising games. Well, I wanted to alleviate all of five of our readers’ concerns that we might be some secret government conspiracy that hates games by posting a review that greatly praises a game. Therefore, I will give my review of a game I consider great, Mass Effect.

I consider this game great for one reason; I did not want to put the controller down when I played it. I forcefully had to tell myself to stop playing.

The game is set in the future. How far? Around 150 years. You play the role of Sheppard, a certified badass. I am not sure how else you could put it, but Sheppard kicks ass, even more so if you choose the “jerk” route.

Character customization is limited, yet fits nicely in the story. You select if you are a male or a female. You have a choice between six classes, Soldier, Engineer, Adept, Infiltrator, Sentinel, and Vanguard. It is pretty much your basic Fighter (Solider), Wizard (Adept), and Tech/Rogue (Engineer). Plus, there are three classes that are a mixture of the two main classes.

Each class has its own skill-set. For example, I chose Vanguard. I was able to use pistols and shotguns as well as use some of the Adept abilities, like “fling the poor bastard in the air and watch him fly away while you shoot it with your pistol.” Good times!

A nice addition was the background of your character. You can choose between spacer, colonist, or earthborn as your place of origin. Each has its own background. In addition, you get to select a distinguishing background occurrence, sole survivor, ruthless soldier, or war hero. Again, this affects the story and gives it replay value.

The story is awesome, and very complex. I was surprised how the story appeals to the older game generation. It deals with subjects such as racism, imperialism, and good vs. evil, with all of the gray areas in-between.

The voice-acting is phenomenal, very nicely done. BIOWARE is known for this. Who am I kidding? BIOWARE is fantastic game developer. Of course, I am an RPG dork so I am expected to say this.
The dialogue in the game uses a “tree” formula which branches off into different dialogue options. Depending on your actions, it will also place you on the road to “Paragon” (good guy) or “Renegade” (sarcastic guy). However, you will find out that you can never be pure good or evil because some of the “Renegade” options are just too damned fun.

Good god, this sounds like an actual game review.

There is sex in the game!

The graphics are great.

Combat takes a little getting used to. If you are a COD4 fan or Halo3, you will want to play it as a first person shooter. Do yourself a favor and remember this is a role playing game. Something is to be said for strategy. With that said, the only frustrating thing in the game is the different menus during battles. You will become accustomed to it, but it does take time.

The development of the supporting cast is fantastic as well. BIOWARE put a lot of care into characters like Garrus, my main man Wrex, and Ashley Williams. I let Kaidan die because he needs to grow a set.

I could write more, but just take my word for it…buy this game. 5 out of 5 or 10 out of 10 or whatever. One of my favorite games of all time. I am looking forward to the next two.

Game Review: Super Smash Brothers Brawl (SSBB)

I am a Smash Brothers virgin. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know who the hell the Smash Brothers are. They sound like a local asphalt or demolition company. If I had my choice between fighting the Smash Brothers or the Mario Brothers, I would choose the Mario Brothers. Why? Because, I know what kind of has been I am getting with Mario and Luigi and have no idea what I would expect from the Smash Brothers.

There are 35 different playable characters in this game with such Nintendo staples as Marth (who?), Ness (who?), and of course, Mr. Game & Watch (what?). I would rather have seen the Smash Brothers make an appearance in this game.

This game also allows you to choose between several different control schemes. You can use the Wiimote, the Wiimote plus Nunchuck, the GameCube pad, the Classic Controller, a pad and pencil, an old Laser Tag unit, the Hubble Telescope, and of course, the WiiToilet (which is really quite innovative).

The game controls are extremely easy to use; One button to jump, one button to smash, one button for special smash, and one button for shield.

I look at this game as two games in one. You have the Subspace Emissary and the actual Brawl game.
The Subspace Emissary is a side-scrolling, button-mashing snorefest which left much to be desired. There is a story behind the Subspace Emissary which is told through several cut screens. I didn’t understand the damn story because there was no dialogue and I was too busy icing my swollen thumbs.

The parts with Diddy Kong were funny.

The other part of the game is what I really like, the Brawl. This resembles a StreetFighter II cluster(f dash dash dash)word. Four players are flying around the board, trying to knock each other off the edge. Each time you get hit, your percentage goes off. Each time your percentage goes off, the farther you fly when get hit.

The Brawl part of the game makes a fantastic party game. I get shear joy in my eyes when I knock Justin or Jamar off the boards knowing that I have 0% skill when playing this game. This is one of the few fighting games where you can compete with “good” players with little to no skill.

I really loved the innovative “boards” or what you would call the fighting stages. I thought they were extremely well thought out and colorful. The fact that there a stage that reflects the game origin of each character was a nice touch.

The music is terrific in this game because some famous video game composers wrote the score for SSBB. I don’t know who these famous composers are, but I am sure they make an awful lot of money.

There is also a “Vault.” In the Vault, you can view the trophies and stickers you collect from doing fancy things in the game. You can take your stickers and trophies on virtual backgrounds, take a snapshot of their virtual horde, and send the picture to their friends on Nintendo Wi-Fi….whoop de f’n do.

There are other minor options in this game which aren’t worth reviewing.

I give this game 4 out of 5 stars.

Usher: Here I stand Review

Ok, so I've never really been a big Usher fan. I've always let the fanfare reign supreme with the chicks. Being a complete heterosexual however I do understand Usher's appeal. Young, well-groomed, non-threatening, and oh yeah rich. I was a big fan of his previous work, Confessions, were he came clean like a virgin school girl. Confessions was very identifiable for me as I was going through a near break-up with the woman that I loved. Songs like "Burn" and "Confessions" were instant classics that piggy-backed on the club friendly "Yeah".

I have mixed emotions on his latest effort "Here I Stand" however. Usher sounds more mature than ever with this project and is definitely more accepting of his life as an adult. Instead of confessing his mistakes he seems to embrace them and acknowledges that they have made him stronger. Though the subject matter is mature, the lyrics and melodies he chose just don't do it for me. As I listened, I desperately wanted to hear a song that connected with me in a special way..none of them did, although several had tremendous potential. It's obvious that Usher meant well with this project as I can hear that every word is pure and expressive. It just fails to grab me as a listener and someone who is not a die-hard Usher fan. I'm sure fan-girls and boys will hate me for this but I feel like the album was rushed and doesn't adequately capture the emotions the way that I think Usher would have wanted them to be captured. All in all the album is solid with room for improvement. I rate this album 8.0 broken hearts out of 10.

The Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass Review.

Let me start by saying this game is incredible. It is a wonderful thing to have a great Zelda game in your pocket. This game looks almost as good as the gamecube game on which it's based.

A lot of people pissed and moaned about a cartoony Link when the Wind Waker came out. Yeah it was a little weird, but it still felt right.

(Nobody likes you)

Phantom Hourglass is no exception. All the great things one would expect from a great Zelda game are here...only smaller. There are a few new concepts that helps makes this game more unique, such as the new hookshot. Now it can be used as a tight rope, or used like a rubberband to fling Link onto another platform.

One of the more simple and fun things in the game is customizing your ship. There a bunch of different parts available, such as hulls, wheels, stacks, anchors, etc. I found myself spending a lot of time finding all of these. The game itself is not very long, but it is solid. Nintendo does a great job of making sure one can stop and save at anytime (very good to have when on the road with your DS).

There are a lot of wothless games out there for the DS, but Nintendo always makes sure to represent. This game is as good as it gets on the little duel screen.

Games of Yore #5: F-Zero

First, this is a damned good racing game. I know most of our reviews so far have been blasting games or poking fun at other games. It is kind of a breath of fresh air to review F-Zero. As I said, this is a damned good game.

The only bit of humor I can add to this review is that I am watching two crackheads on G4’s version of Cops.

F-Zero was the very first game I played on my Super Nintendo the Christmas of 90something. It was also the very first game I downloaded on the Virtual Console. I remember staying up until 5 in the morning feeling the joy of electronic sex. F-Zero was the bomb. I spent an entire Christmas break playing it. The funny thing is, the game still rocks.

In case you are not familiar with F-Zero, it was one of the more popular Super Nintendo launch titles. While some sorry saps got Pilotwings and SimCity for Christmas, I was lucky enough to land this gem of a game.

The game features four racers.
1. Captain Falcon who pilots the Blue Falcon is the “poster child” of the F-Zero franchise had loves to wear blue spandex.

2. Dr. Stewart pilots the Golden Fox. The “good doctor” as the manual describes him, was often the glutton of punishment as I often watched his car explode in the races due to its low durability.

3. Yoda pilots the Wild Goose, an atrocity of car that is slow as hell but can take a lot of damage. To be quite honest, this car was the most boring to pilot.

4. Pizza the Hut pilots the Fire Stringray which to me was the best car in the game. It had the slowest acceleration but the best speed and greatest turning ability. Even with a fat guy piloting the vehicle, this car could move.

This game uses “mode 7” graphics which apparently was a breakthrough back in the day. For whatever it was worth, it looked good.

There were three different circuits with five tracks each. Each track was unique and had a bit of charm.

Buy this game if you haven’t. It is nothing short of fun. Sorry I have nothing pithy to say, but I just wanted to post a positive Games of Yore review.

Sorry about the lack of humor, wait till you see the review I have lined up for next week.

The Bourne Conspiracy Demo Review

So we all know that movie to video game and video game to movie combinations tend to suck right? Of course we do. In that case,why the hell do game developers and Hollywood jerk-offs continue to push for it to work. In 9 out of 10 cases it just doesn't. The occasional success being few and far between (i.e. LOTR: Two Towers, and ....uh...that's about it). Since the days of the horrific Street Fighter and Super Mario Bros. one-two turd punch combo to the ill fated Mortal Kombat movie series gamers and movie goers have been constantly let down when they either shell out $60 for a piece of crap game or $7.25 for a piece of crap movie. I won't even mention the Tomb Raider abominations. With a blockbuster summer looming for the Hollywood box office due to treats like Ironman, Indiana Jones, The Incredible Hulk (again..), Batman, Speed Racer, and Kung-Fu Panda, it's almost certain that a slew of horrible games are to follow. Oh Joy!

Now on to the reason I'm here..The Bourne Conspiracy. I downloaded the demo on Xbox Live yesterday after seeing an ad being run before Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull. With bone-breaking sound effects, a fast paced visual style, and what appears to be a decent story line I was intrigued. Even though my expectations were pretty low I decided to give this game a chance. I'm glad I did. The game feels solid during combat with each blow giving the user a true sense of power. The graphics are slick and the frame rate is solid. The game plays like a movie using combination attacks that are linked by interactive cut scenes. These transitions test the users reflexes with button pushing and timing. True annoyances like extremely tough A.I., constantly being on the run so you can't explore much of the levels, and a few just completely cheap shots smudge this game's overall polish. If they can work out some of the camera issues and little annoyances mentioned this may help break the curse of crappy movie to video game conversions. Overall, I was impressed with the demo and though I'm not totally convinced to shell out the cash for a purchase I might consider it a good Netflix rental. The Bourne Conspiracy Demo earns 7.5 shattered dreams out of 10. Enjoy losers!

Movie Review: The King of Kong

Disclaimer: Apparently, there is a lot of controversy surrounding this movie. From misstated facts to records not being recognized, the twenty people who care about the Donkey Kong high score record have lambasted the movie for its errors. You can do a google or yahoo search about this movie and will find countless posts about the upper echelon of people from twingalaxies.com (the people who keep the scores) refuting the story in the King of Kong. With that being said, I don’t care.

The movie is your classic David vs. Goliath matchup. Steve Wiebe, a Washington science teacher who is obsessed with being the best at something, plays the part of David. Billy Mitchell (pictured right) is supposed to be Goliath but ends up playing the role of Alamaba’s Randy Owen (pictured left). Billy Mitchell is the reigning Donkey Kong champion and is quite possibly one of the biggest pricks in the gaming community. I also have a sneaky suspicion that Billy Mitchell is the one man that keeps Aqua Net in business.

The movie features twingalaxies.com, the official video game scorekeepers. The twingalaxies.com crew obviously worships the ground that Billy Mitchell walks on and continues to undermine Steve’s efforts throughout the movie.

Steve ends up breaking Billy Mitchell’s record in his garage. He sent his tape to the twingalaxies.com headquarters which is located in Walter Day’s apartment. Walter Day (pictured right with the dufus referee shirt on) is the “official” referee of the twingalaxies.com crew and a “budding musician.”

Walter then hands the tape over to Robert T Mruczek (pictured left), Christopher Lloyd’s lovechild. Mruczek’s apartment doubles as the official video review room for twingalaxies.com. It must be noted that Mruzcek has a very impressive collection of empty pizza boxes in his apartment. It must smell like cheese whiz in there.

Steve is first awarded the high score. The twingalaxies.com crew along with their idol, Billy “High Cotton” Mitchell, finds a way to negate the score. Unfortunately, Steve is associated with some guy named Mr. Awesome who is the high score record holder for Missile Command. Fifteen years earlier, Billy “Pantene Pro V” Mitchell and Mr. Awesome had a dispute over who got the last bite of a banana split they shared at a bowling alley. Since then, Mr. Awesome has been the black sheep of the classic video game competition world.

Steve’s high score is invalidated because of his association with Mr. Awesome and suspicions that his Donkey Kong kiosk wasn’t an official one. Steve has no other choice but to go to Funland and prove to everybody in the gaming world that he is the real deal and does indeed have a respectable job.

He travels to Funland only to receive a cold reception. Billy Mitchell has cronies everywhere. We are introduced to another of Billy’s cronies, Brian Kuh (i.e. Grimace - the guy pictured to the left). Brian worships the ground that Mitchell walks on.

Brian tries to break Steve’s concentration by farting around the arcade and loudly shouting that a kill screen is calling. Brian also calls Mitchell (who is sitting on his grandmother’s couch) several times throughout the evening. Another of Mitchell’s friends, Steve Sanders, seems to be the only decent guy in Mitchell’s crew (more on that later). Throughout the movie, Sanders is very cool with Steve.

Steve ends up breaking the score. Walter reluctantly acknowledges it. Brian almost has a heart attack. It was if somebody pissed all over Brian’s Dungeons & Dragons character sheet and threw his favorite 20 sided die in the toilet.

Brian then informs the impartial twingalaxies.com to his “cabin” for, you guessed it, pizza. Mitchell calls Brian at his cabin where everybody is enjoying pizza, soda, and probably large amounts of flatulence. Mitchell informs Walter that he has something special for him, but Brian has it.

Brian then produces a Mitchell video tape which causes Walter Day to explode with shear joy and almost causing Walter to wet his pants. The video tape shows Mitchell breaking 1,000,000 on Donkey Kong. A funny part happens here as Brian stands triumphantly giving a play by play of the Funspot happenings while on the phone with Billy Mitchell.

Walter Day has an orgasm on camera and calls Billy Mitchell. Walter, being the giddy school girl he is, constantly asks Mitchell “are you going to submit the score? Are you going to submit the score?” It is more than apparent that the impartial twingalaxies.com crew is extremely partial to Billy “Hot Stuff” Mitchell.

To show you the character of Brian “Grimace” Kuh, Steve asks to see the tape, but Grimace promptly scoffs at the request and says defiantly, “only one viewing, only one play through” Give me a break. This guy is why gamers are given a bad name.

I am going to leave the movie review here. I don’t want to spoil it for you. The entire movie Billy spends dodging Steve’s challenges. Billy obviously has a man crush on Steve and is afraid that he will give in to temptation.

In one of the funnier scenes from the movie, Guinness calls Walter Day, I mean twingalaxies.com central command. Walter Day is first shown wearing a regular hoodie. As soon as Walter finds out that it is official twingalaxies.com business, Walter, doing his best Superman impression, quickly throws on his referee shirt on. Too funny.

Another funny moment is near the end of the movie. Sanders and Mitchell are at Mitchell’s restaurant and asked what they thought of Steve. Sanders said that Wiebe was a good guy and definitely trustworthy with integrity. Billy gave Sanders this death stare look. God, I got a kick out of that.

Overall, this movie is a good watch. I thoroughly enjoyed watching this, while watching my fiancé laugh at some of the goons in the movie.